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Title: Hotel
Fandom: Criminal Minds
Rating: Teen
Summary: They've stayed in their fair share of dumps on the job, but nothing as horrifying as this. A Halloween fic. Oneshot. Semi-Reid centric. WARNING: A semipointless supernatural crackfic.
Disclaimer: I do not own Criminal Minds or any of the characters.
WARNING: Although this is meant to be a bit humorous, there are some graphic/violent written images, so if that sort of thing disturbs you, please don't read.

ETA: Winner 1st Place for 'Best Parody' in the 2008 Criminal Minds Fan Fic Awards

A/N: Okay, so this started as one of twelve Halloween fic ideas, but as I've had trouble writing lately it turned into more of a writing exercise. Inspired by NaNoWriMo, I tried to write without worrying about how sucky it was (which is a constant problem for me lol), and ended up with something akin to a supernatural CRACKFIC. Do not attempt to take this seriously. It was just meant to get me writing again. You have been warned.


- ~ * ~ -


The Franks Hotel on Spedwick Hill - on the outskirts of Cedar Hollow, Pennsylvania - was not often bustling with activity. For much of the year, its creaking stairways and dark-lit rooms remained unoccupied but for the owner, Vincent Corbin. The townspeople spoke of it - in hushed tones and bare terms - but few if any ever found themselves with reason to make the winding, uphill trek along the leaves-strewn path to its darkened doorway.

That is, of course, until the small town of Cedar Hollow found itself the home of a serial arsonist.

The FBI's Behavioural Analysis Unit had arrived close to midnight, choosing to see themselves to their hotel rooms rather than rouse the sleeping police force of the tiny town. The case, while serious, could hold until morning.

A dreary fog crept along the barren grounds, the clouds overhead blocking any hint of the sun's rays. It was not an alarm clock, but the shrill scream of a tortured soul that woke the team from their troubled sleep that morning.

Aaron Hotchner trotted down the spiral staircase, case file in-hand, ignoring the cobwebs on the banister and occasional pool of blood beneath his feet.

The rest of the team had gathered in the dusty foyer, standing before the check-in counter as they made small talk.

"Good morning," Agent Hotchner greeted, observing the blood-shot eyes of his subordinates. "Did any of you happen to run into an angry man in a maitre-de outfit carrying a butcher's knife? I think he may have moved my luggage."

"'You'll never escape, I'll kill you all,” Reid quoted mildly, recalling his brief late-night visit from the disgruntled former employee. That had been before the peeling walls started bleeding, he recalled.

"He was yelling it until three in the morning," Derek replied carelessly, breezing through the case file in his hands. "I almost couldn't hear the TV."

A woman in a housemaid's outfit hung from the overhead railing, her feet twitching as she took her final breaths. JJ stepped around her, closing her cell phone as she made her way over to the group.

"The sheriff’s office is expecting us in an hour. I told them we'd meet them at the latest crime scene."

The others nodded their understanding as a mist of fine, green rain began to pour in the corner of the room.

"So, did anyone else get the 'blood in the showers' bit, or was that just me?" Rossi questioned conversationally.

JJ shook her head. "No, I got that one too."

"I got the, uh, 'threatening message on the mirror,'" Reid informed them casually, jamming his hands in the pockets of his slacks as he turned away from a portrait of a glaring old woman.

"'Spontaneous levitation,'" Morgan volunteered, raising his hand. He moved to the side just as an overhead chandelier came crashing down on the spot where he'd been standing.

A gust of eerie wind swept through the foyer, rattling the pictures on the wall.

"Come play with us," a little girl in a pink dress called from the doorway of the kitchen. A red ball fell from her hands, bouncing toward the team before vanishing into thin air. JJ shook her head in resigned amusement.

"Will you be staying for breakfast?" Mr. Corbin - a gaunt, pale-faced man - asked from behind the check-in counter. Behind him, stacks of letters began floating in circular fashion.

Hotch looked at his team, gauging their agreement. "Yes, I think so," he determined, following the owner to the dining area.

A long, rectangular table sat in the middle of the room, surrounded by seven ornate, high-backed wooden chairs. Each place was set with dust-ridden china and a cobwebbed glass goblet.

Morgan grunted, stretching the kinks in his neck. "I don't know about the rest of you, but the moaning and groaning kept me up all night."

Prentiss blushed. "Um...actually, that wasn't the ghosts," she commented quietly. "I spent the night in Hotch's room after my pillow started screaming at me."

"Oh," Derek replied, his eyes widening slightly. "Uh, way to go, I guess."

They took their seats, Rossi brushing a small family of spiders off of his plate as he folded his hands.

"What've we got today?" he asked, looking around at the team. Reid was making small talk with a woman in a turn-of-the-century dress while Prentiss found herself occupied with a portrait on the far wall that had begun crying crimson tears.

Hotch spread the case file on the table, ignoring the rattling of the chains on the wall.

"Most of the attacks have occurred after six o'clock. I think we should consider the idea that our unsub holds a white collar job."

The owner returned, carrying with him a covered silver tray. He set it in the middle of the white lace-topped table.

"I hope you're hungry," Vincent intoned, a dark smile seeping onto his face. He lifted the cover to reveal the severed head of a middle-aged man, surrounded by tufts of grapes and lettuce.

Reid raised his eyebrows in interest, lifting his fork to scrape some of the garnishing fruits onto his plate.

"I'll map out the crime scenes and see if I can create a geographical profile," he offered, biting into a grape.

"Get outGet out!" the ghost in the wall wailed, making the table shake. Prentiss picked up her glass of orange juice to keep it from spilling.

"Well, I suggest we all have some coffee and head off to the first crime scene," Hotch decided, his eyes roaming the dining area for the elusive coffee machine.

Vincent grinned ghoulishly as he picked up a spider and ate it. An evil laugh erupted from his throat.

"We don't serve coffee."

The blood drained from Reid's face as Emily's eyes widened in horror.

"JJ." Hotch ordered tersely, his mouth in a grim line.

"I'm on it," the media liaison replied, her hands shaking slightly as she pulled her cell phone from her purse and started dialing. "Yes, hello, this is Agent Jareau of the FBI - I need to book some new hotel rooms."


- ~ * ~ -

Keep Smiling! ;)


( 12 comments — Leave a comment )
Oct. 25th, 2008 10:21 pm (UTC)
I love this...I laughed all the way through. Nice nod to H/P with the moaning and groaning : )
Oct. 25th, 2008 10:22 pm (UTC)
Thank you! Glad it made you laugh!
Oct. 25th, 2008 10:40 pm (UTC)
Oh. My. GOSH!

This was brilliant! I think that I broke something when I fell off my chair laughing. It's okay, though.

"'Spontaneous levitation,'" Morgan volunteered, raising his hand. He moved to the side just as an overhead chandelier came crashing down on the spot where he'd been standing.

That made my owie worth it. XD

Edited at 2008-10-25 10:40 pm (UTC)
Oct. 25th, 2008 10:42 pm (UTC)
Thank you very much! Hope it doesn't hurt too badly lol.
Oct. 25th, 2008 11:47 pm (UTC)
Hilarious! Nice work!
Oct. 25th, 2008 11:49 pm (UTC)
Thank you!
Oct. 26th, 2008 04:39 pm (UTC)
ROFL! I love the way they just dance around the creepy stuff. It's what the BAU would look like the moment they stopped caring. It's also campy. And somehow fun.

The really scary part is 'no coffee'. :D
Oct. 26th, 2008 04:42 pm (UTC)
Sweet! I was going for campy, so that makes me happy! :)

I'm glad you found it somewhat amusing! Thanks for the comment!
Oct. 30th, 2008 08:22 am (UTC)
fun :o)

i'm so easily spooked by even the smallest of allusions to anything ghouly-ghostly that imagining this fic actually is creepy, but it's so cute, they're all like "mate, it takes you so much more than some undead behaviour to even bother us."

big thumbs up :o)
Oct. 30th, 2008 02:00 pm (UTC)
You found it sort of creepy? I have to admit, that gives me a bit of perverse pleasure lol :D

Glad you enjoyed it! Thanks for the comment!!
Mar. 11th, 2009 03:29 pm (UTC)
OH MY GOD! I totally voted for this in the CMFFAs but was too stoopidz to figure out how to post a comment on FF.net! And I didn't realize it was HERE, or else I would've been by to squee! *headdesk*

ANYWAY, I really can't even begin to quote the parts of this that cracked me up the most, because that's just be copying & pasting the whole fic into a comment, and what good does that do? Not a lot.

BUT OMG I LOVEDLOVEDLOVED EVERYTHING ABOUT THIS: all the cliches you included, the team's complete indifference to all the weird shit going on around them, and then, of course, then end, when it's the lack of coffee that has them all flipping a shit. So to speak.

In short, this is, honest to dog, the absolute BEST parody I've ever read in this fandom. FOR SERIOUS. Which is why I voted for it. But I had to tell you so also, IN CAPS, just because I'm wordy & annoying like that. *SQUEE!*
Mar. 12th, 2009 06:40 pm (UTC)
*blush* Why, thank you! I'm especially grateful you braved ff.net to read it for the awards.

LOL the cliches were so much fun to write. I was trying to write a serious Halloween fic with teh scary and all, and then Rossi popped into my head (sneaky bugger) being all sarcastic and uninterested. And a crack!fic was born...
( 12 comments — Leave a comment )


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